Joslinne Morgan

The Vampire Companion Newsletter

Keeping you one step ahead!

Unfortunately, due to the evils that lurk in the crevices of Microsoft Publisher, I am unable to post all the neat graphics etc that come with The Vampire Companion Newsletter. If you would like to be added to our monthly newsletter, just let us know! We'll mail it to you free (trust me, I wouldn't make you pay for this thing :P) This is a member's only feature. (you poor devils...)

Issue #1, Feburary 16, 2009

Issue #1, February 16, 2009

Caught Cheating!

The terrible, heart-wrenching story that will make fangirls of both renowned immortal dream-boy Edward Cullen and his rival-in-popularity Jacob Black scream in agony and throw themselves off cliffs in a mad suicidal rush.

The story is this.

Some few weeks ago, an anonymous source phoned one of our leading journalists with a tip that they claimed would make hot headlines. Unable to resist, we rushed to the scene almost immediately to find Bella Cullen sitting on the curb, sobbing tears that would melt a heart of stone.

Edward Cullen – Local Immortal

After hours of merciless badgering

our reporters managed to wrench from her the entire tragic tale.

“My husband left me for Jacob Black!” was what it eventually boiled down to.

According to Bella, it was late in the evening on Valentines day night. She went upstairs to go prepare a special Valentines day surprise for her beloved husband, when she uncovered hidden in his dresser drawer a half-empty bottle of ‘take me white body glitter’ and an envelope full of dirty snapshots taken by Jacob Black’s own camera.

The bloody evidence.

Naturally, the first thing she did was collapse into a soggy heap. When Edward came home, she started pounding his chest and screaming why

. He calmly pried her off, announcing that he had found someone better, someone who wouldn’t ever dream of opposing his will. This speech was followed by announcing that he wanted a divorce. Bella screamed claiming that she would file against him for both physical and mental abuse, to which he replied with a laugh that it would never go through.

Custody of the child is still in question. Edward refuses to take the child but has agreed to bi-monthly visits. Bella argues that she can’t care for it entirely on her own. And so it continues.

The court date to finalize it all is set for Monday. The world weeps for its favorite celebrity couple.

Hollywood marriages—they never do last.

Jacob Black

Artist Makes Breakthrough for the Vampiric World

Marius de Romanus, a 2000 year-old painter from Venice, Italy finally makes a breakthrough not only for his work, but for the rest of the immortal blood-sucking world. Late last evening Marius received a phone call that stated very clearly not only did they love his work—but that they would like to feature it in their gallery premiere in the New York City plaza on March

15th. One might point out that it is an understatement to say the artist is ecstatic.

One may ask, though, what does this mean for our future? We have lived amongst vampires for so long, but we never think of them as normal people. The live among us blending in the best they can, using countless pseudonyms and

intricate webs of their own creation.

“No more,” one vampire says. “We will now exist amongst humans as once we did - - unafraid.”

True Blood: Good News, Bad News

Well, the good news is that you will no longer wake up to find yourself dead and your blood soaking the pillow beneath your head.

The bad news — while True Blood indeed has its merits (the ability to sleep worry-free being one of them) its powers are also being used for evil.

Store managers have been complaining of rowdy teenagers wandering in in the middle of the night and buying up cases of the stuff just so they can ‘have a taste’. What they don’t realize is that studies prove that True Blood is very hazardous to the health - - it’s just as bad — if not worse — than cocaine.

Immediate action must be taken. Officials are working on it as fast as they can. True Blood has been banned from being sold in most roadside convenience stores, and even then, in order to purchase it one must have an I.D. with proof of their origins and age.

Ask Vampira (Got a Question? This is the Vampire To Ask!)

“Dear Vampira,

I am in desperate need of your immediate assistance! A fledgling of mine is causing a lot of trouble. He refuses to clean up after himself when he kills, and I’m left to dispose of the remains once he is through. Normally, I don’t mind cleaning up but I am afraid one of the Ancients will catch up to him and obliterate him completely. Please help me, I know not what to do!

Sincerely,

~ Sick and tired of mopping up blood”

Vampira’s Response

“Dear Sick and Tired,

First of all, you requested my immediate assistance. And as much as I would love to grant that to all who email me with their problems, I confess that I get so many a day that it is simply too much to keep up with and I cannot respond to them all (as much as I would love to) within a timely manner.

However.

I recognize your problem as an urgent one. Which is why I have the perfect solution with which I think you shall be well-pleased.

There is a new form of blood called True Blood, and on last report as long as you have an ID proving you are a vampire it is available in almost any grocery store. If your

fledgling is particularly stubborn and persists in hunting, wean him off by producing only blood he has no taste for. Any Christian blood should do well, although I’ve no idea as to his personal tastes. Use your best judgment.”

The Vampire Companion:

Seize the Night

Contact Us: thebloodycrucifix@gmail.com

The Vampire Companion was created specifically to keep you one step ahead of what is going on in the Vampiric world. They walk among us, the beautiful undead, and we have no idea of what is going on in their world or how it affects us, if at all.